Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
