ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
