I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Oh god it's open bar.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
