If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize