ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
