My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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