I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
