My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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