We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
