get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
