it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
