Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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