the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
