u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
