it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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