textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
