"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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