My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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