Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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