what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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