Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
