my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize