omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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