If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
