I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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