she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
