I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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