dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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