i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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