I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
