in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
