im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
