a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
