just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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