I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
