I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
