so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
