She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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