Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
