can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize