her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
