A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
