You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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