i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
