my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
