i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
