pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
