non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
