A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Randomize
