Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
