i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
