You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize