Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
