I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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