i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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