pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize