Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
