Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
