I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
