How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
