You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
