Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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