The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
